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By Andrew Benson
Chief F1 writer
Daniel Ricciardo went through that which might best be described as a very long, dark night of the soul last Saturday.
After the passing of Formula 2 driver Anthoine Hubert at the Belgian Grand Prix, the Renault driver went back to his hotel and asked whether it was worth it. The response didn’t come readily, however on Sunday the Australian raced in the end.
Four days , he sits down with BBC Sport at the start of the Italian Grand Prix weekend, also delve deep into what it takes to get a racing driver to confront his fears and race on in these difficult conditions.
“I definitely questioned it,” the 30-year-old Australian claims. “The reality is, weirdly, I really do love it a lot. Racing did believe right in the conclusion. Although I didn’t really need to, once I did it, it was just like, OK, that actually feels normal and right.”
For quite a long time over a weekend it felt anything but normal.
“When you are a kid and you watch it on TV, and you are not current or not a part of it,” Ricciardo says,”it still seems like there’s some kind of distance, or a disconnection to what has happened.
“But if you’re there and it happens to one of your coworkers, or it’s in precisely exactly the same race, it sounds real, and it’s like:’OK, that actually can happen to anybody, and it is here, it’s present right now.’
“The realisation people not being fine does set in. I understand my parents worry enough for me – you know, seeing me race and travel the world and now being on a plane every couple of days. You just question itis it really worth putting not only myself but family below precisely the same sum of anxiety?”
The night of the collision, Ricciardo states, he”did not get much sleep, and so you’re asking your questions, probably only fighting just a little bit with some anger and some frustration of’why,’ you understand?
“And also battling a few of the feelings of if I really get up and race everywhere? Could it be the ideal thing? Can it be the perfect thing to do to me?
“And I kind of did also think:’Let’s see how I feel by lunchtime, and if I am still having some doubts then possibly the safest thing for me would be to not race.’
“I sort of wanted to play it by ear. Running through all these scenarios:’What if I really feel? What if this?’
“By Sunday morning, I had a bit more clarity. I wake up preparing myself for race day and did manage to sleep a little bit. But it still felt cold and bizarre. It did not feel right to become eager to race, simply to be delighted to know there. It felt like, tick off the minutes and get the work finished.
“The lead-up into the race, so I’d probably only clarify it as not very fun in conditions of only it was tough to try and go through the moves and go through a routine when that’s happened less than 24 hours ago. In addition, you know, motorists’ parade and that, you are waving to fans, but you do not feel being happy or right grinning, I guess.
“It was hard, just hoping to enter the zone, simply attempting to come across any kind of rhythm.
“Getting in the car on Sunday was not easy, but it had been more of a despair than a panic and I think it was important I established that. If I had been getting in the vehicle using a pure level of fear, then it wouldn’t happen to be smart for me to race. I did know that it was only a despair.”
“After we sort of got going, it felt like fairly great launch. It felt like a de-stress, just racing and rival. Just going at these rates, it was like flushing out the machine and that felt great.
“Following the racefor certain I was still glad it was done but I did feel much better than I did 2 hours before that.
“I will be frank, the race has been fun. It was great to be outside. And as far as I had been excited about seeing the flag, I did like a race on Sunday.”
The race acted as a form of catharsis.
“If something happens, you have just go to dip into it, and that’s the very ideal method of overcoming it. And I think that’s exactly what the race was for us. I told myself little things’Just go as soon as possible. Leave on the pits and go, and try to enter that mode. Do not tip-toe around. Don’t over-think certain locations.’
“I recall I got from the pits, drifted out, and compelled me to get into that mindset right away.”
This can be really a reference to his thoughts about going throughout Raidillon. It is part of the infamous Eau Rouge swerves, also a left-hander within the brow of a mountain taken flat out at over 180mph.
“I told me :’Go complete throttle, and just don’t over-think this corner, so do not over-think it’ Out of these pits… held it complete. That was a relief but it felt good to get out there and do this. And that told me I was ready to go.
“I think if I had been, big lift and scared, then that could be a indication that maybe I shouldn’t be on the track at the moment. I guess I wanted to do this to check myself and it felt right.”
Did he speak to the other drivers about it?
“I must talk to some few. This past year, I met Anthoine. The Renault Academy boys clearly spent a lot of time and I saw them Sunday morning. I spoke to a couple of these as well, just text.
“They’d done training camps together. They are a small household. They’re younger. That is where I felt I could try and be a tiny bit of, in some ways, a father figure to them and comfort them. They were, although I was feeling it. We gave a kiss to each other on Sunday morning. We tried to talk over it a small bit.
“And with all the other drivers, I spoke to some of them, but before the race you could see everyone sort of wanted to be on their own.
“Waiting to the driver parade, we’re just standing there. There really are several handshakes or hugs however you could kind of tell everybody was just hoping to prepare for the race and it was a demanding one. After the raceI spoke to largely the French motorists, who I knew were closest to Anthoine.”
Hubert is not. The previous F1 driver to lose his own life was that the Frenchman Jules Bianchi, who suffered fatal head injuries in a crash. Ricciardo had come up Bianchi through the rankings and they had been pals.
“Jules’ [death] struck me very hard,” Ricciardo says. “In a way, not disrespecting it, I was quite amazed how hard it’s hit me. I didn’t expect it to hit me hard and for this to continue – the hurt and the despair from this extended over a period.
“With this weekend, you believe time type of remedies everything, and it was just like, OK, nothing has happened for a little while and with great reason. The game’s got safer and we are at a place that was great. And then it occurs. And it’s a jolt.
“It is an anger that it’s happened again. We thought we had moved on from this. It is when it is refreshed on your mind again and it’s there in front of you, it is hard not to think about it with difficulty.”
Has it changed his outlook?
“Initially, it did change. Time does heal it. Those intense emotions that are first did gradually fizzle out.
“With the Jules one, I felt just as if my purpose and intent after that was,’OK, if we’re going to strap ourselves to these cars, and when we are all mindful of the risk, it doesn’t make sense to move in half-heartedly. Go all in, if we are going to do it, and make it worthwhile.’
“I felt just like Jules’ passing kind of made me embrace the racer even more so. And to be fair that this will end up having the same effect.
“I didn’t have that type of fear in the race. And until that fear steps in, I use it. However a long time I really do it, at least I could say I did it correctly.”
It can be tough to comprehend the way the racing driver can compartmentalise their fears this manner, or the uniqueness of the kind of character needed to do a job they know might kill thembut to move ahead and do it anyhow since they appreciate it so much they can not stop.
Can Ricciardo clarify what exactly makes F1 drivers ready to survive with that contradiction?
He pauses for a few seconds.
“Really I get goosebumps,” he states,”because I don’t actually know why or how.
“On Saturday night, I felt in no spot to drive a race car around the same track the next day. But even getting out of these pits and going through Raidillon and all that, it was weird how normal and natural that it felt. And I can not explain that.
“It is probably just when you’ve got a deep passion and love to get something, that’s the result. In all honesty, I amazed myself. And we did Sunday.
“I did not expect to enjoy any portion of the race, regardless of where I ended. However, I did that rush of hurrying, and enjoy being out there. Yes, it had been still in mind, of course. But how we are ready to place it to one side for an instant, I can not explain why or how. It does surprise me.”
Ricciardo is known for his eponymous style, and his attacking victories, frequently made possible by on-the-edge overtaking moves where he yells the car down the interior of a competition from an impossible space back. How does the dangers be rationalised by him, carry on knowing that an accident is always a possibility?
“You’ve got to at all times control the controllables,” he says. “In my case, I figure not find reckless.
“Following the race or at times you may see me provide a driver the finger or show my kind of anger. However, I tried to teach myself to not let the emotion take over the driver in the race and become irresponsible.
“Yes, I’ve tried some overdue overtakes in my own time and I’ve done some motions which may appear risky, but there is always a level of control and calculation in that and it has never done purely on emotion.
“So I’ll never let myself get reckless or put myself in a position I don’t have to be in. Yes, I want to take risks and be on that line. But you ought to be sensible enough not to over-step it and I believe I am in a position to do this.
“From this perspective, I’m comfortable hopping in the vehicle. There failures and stuff’s thing that could fail. That is an uncontrollable out of my own side. Can’t really think about those really. And in the event that you know they’re present times and there, as soon as you put on the helmet and get going, you don’t think about it.
“It’s one of those things that when it happens in the incorrect place or the wrong corner, then what exactly can you? You have got to place that rationale on mind that it might have occurred on the way into the circuit, it could have occurred on the street.”
It’s rare for racing drivers to talk about threat and the danger of death so.
Safety is discussed each weekend at F1, but it’s normally in an abstract level – what can we do about this gravel trap, or this obstruction?
Hubert’s departure has brought it front and center. Is it hard is it to talk about doing it?
“Obviously it is tough to deal with something that’s actual and has occurred,” Ricciardo states,”but it will help to discuss it. Possessing the comfort of everybody else last weekend and being around the grid together, and talking to some of the other drivers… yeah, it’s not fun speaking about it, but additionally, it will help relieve any feelings or emotions.
“I think just knowing that you’re in the exact same boat with someone else, knowing that you are not lonely feeling how you do, which helps.
“So being a part of a group or a neighborhood. That has been where you realisethere are rivalries or whatever, but a rivalry on track doesn’t say how much we all have in common and how much we do actually feel and care for one another.
“It is tough but it will feel nice to find some of it off your chest.”
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Analysis and opinion from the main Formula 1 writer of the BBC.
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